7 Tips for How to Drive With The Progressive Snapshot Device

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I recently switched my family’s car insurance from Geico to Progressive. First of all, I really like the snarky Flo a lot more than the gecko. Second, the rate they offered me was more than $50 cheaper.  The hitch was that I had to install their spy device into my car’s data port so they could measure my driving skills.  I’m nearly 40, I don’t have any accidents in the past 20 years and I think I have 2 speeding tickets, but nothing reckless or crazy. So I’m thinking my driving skills are damned good.

The gadget measures “hard braking” and when it arrived and I read the documentation I wasn’t really concerned.  I couldn’t recall a time when I’ve slammed on the brakes and I don’t make a habit of following too closely because I totally don’t ever want to rear end anyone and so far it’s been working so I’m thinking this will be a cinch.  I’ve got this. Apparently their gadget disagrees.  Here are the new driving skills I have learned from progressive:

1. Run Over Children

If a child has fallen off of his bicycle, rolled a ball into the street, or done any number of dumb-ass dangerous things kids sometimes do in residential neighborhoods it’s best to just hit them.  If you slam on your brakes you’ll hear a little three-tone beeping that indicates that your driving skills suck and that your rates are going up. I can handle the sound of kids screaming because I’m a mom. I can’t handle the sound of my rates going up every time I feel inclined to be a safe driver. Damned kids.

2. It’s Better to Tailgate than to Actually Stay a Safe Distance Away

When traffic on the freeway slows down suddenly like it sometimes does for unpredictable reasons like a mattress falling off of a truck or a giant tumbleweed lollygagging across the lanes or a deer threatening to step into the roadway, don’t be tempted to slow down WITH the flow of traffic. Suddenly slowing down causes the damned thing to beep and your rates go up.  It’s better to veer off to the side and slow down on your own sweet time, so you’re not mistaken for a habitual hard-braker every time shit happens.


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3. When Exiting the Freeway, Take Your Foot off of the Gas Pedal Like a Mile Before the Exit

Because if you’re driving at freeway speeds and the exit ramp is short and you have to stop at a stop sign or behind another car or something at the end of it; guess what? Your damned rates will go up. Beep beep beep (Which is Progressive-ese for Gotcha Sucka).

4. Don’t Stop at Yellow Lights

You see it coming half a mile down the road, it turns yellow and no one is behind you so you KNOW that normally you’d stop because you don’t want to be the last car through it and besides, this is your free time, your break from the kids even if it’s just a trip to Safeway. If you’ve got the snapshot device in your car, you need to just FLOOR IT because the fucking idiots at Progressive (Yes, you, Flo) can’t tell the difference between safely clearing an intersection for the next group of cars and following too closely.

5. Avoid Curvy Downhill Roads

You know these roads, the speed limit is 35 except on that one hairpin turn where it goes down to like 10 mph.  Don’t do it.  Buckle up and take it like the badass pole position champion you know you are because the only way slow down to the official speed limit as recommended by the signage is by braking hard and the jackasses at Progressive won’t put up with that shit.

6. NEVER Press the Pedal Twice

The entire reason brakes work is because they need to. You need to be able to stop whenever the hell you want.  ALSO- I should point out that if I was REALLY a hard braker by nature my brake pads would be wearing out faster than normal, but they don’t.  I drive a LOT, and my brakes always tend to last longer than recommended.

Anyway, I almost forgot I was teaching you something, not talking about me.  Here’s why you should never press the pedal twice.

Let’s say you’re cruising along on the freeway downhill on a curvy road (you just don’t listen, do you?) and suddenly everyone else on the road is slowing down.  If you really think you need to brake hard and you’re willing to risk the insurance beep cha-ching-beepity fucking beep then by all means, don’t think you’re going to escape it by pumping your brakes a few times because the fucking device will beep EVERY TIME you hit them, even within the same 3 second timeframe.  Yeah.

7. STOP TRYING TO AVOID ACCIDENTS

Stop trying to avoid accidents.  Just stop.  Slam into the car in front of you. Don’t bother braking hard, just enough to turn on your brake lights because the fault will extend to the last car in the pileup and THIS is how Progressive makes their money.  They’re gambling with your safety by turning your drive into a beep-beeping video game where you lose points and money every time you prevent an accident.


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I’d love to hear your experiences with this dumbass stupid stupid stupid snapshot stupidity thing that is now sitting on my dashboard, I want to hurl it out the window. I’m totally NOT using it on mountain freeways anymore. Hard braking is a GOOD THING when you’re on curvy downhill freeways with a bunch of truckers and rain and snow and I know I’ve probably used more foul language in this post than I ever have in anything else I’ve ever written but you know what, I mean every DUCKING word in it.  Also, if I ever get around to writing about my experience with Bissell carpet cleaning machines that one might have some foul language, too.

E dited to add… I’m a divorced mom writing full time for a living.  If you want to learn more about that please visit WriteForIncome.com and have an AMAZING day <3

 

 

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